Jesus is a Prick


I constantly hear arguments from proponents of Christianity that Jesus is some all-loving, all-accepting (unless you are gay or vote Democrat) dude and no matter what I do in my life “He loves me and wants me to love him back.” Sure there are lots of verses and stories outlining those arguments in the Bible, but there are also tons that show otherwise. Take this one for starters:

Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law, and a man’s enemies will be those in his own household. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 10:34-39

Basically, Jesus is incredibly selfish and doesn’t even want you to love the people who raised you, who you have known your entire life, more than you love him- even though he bailed before you were born and left you with nothing but a book full of ridiculous stories. And, god forbid (pun intended) you find meaning to your life and are successful and love it. Jesus never got to do that because he was too busy dying for you and now he wants you to return the favor. Only if you die miserable, like he did, will he decide you are worthy of saving. Yep, Jesus is a prick. Here is another example from the book of Luke in which he describes his same intent for division as in the book of Matthew, but in a more I’m-going-to-throw-a-temper-tantrum-about-it kind of way:

I came to send fire on the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled!” Luke 12:49

Both the book of Matthew and the book of Luke describe this desire of Jesus to make it known that he did not come to earth to make friends, he came to show-off a few miracles, die, and then proceed to hold it against us for the rest of time. But, before he dies, and alongside performing some of those miracles, he is going to go right ahead and take the opportunity to screw around with everyone. He does this by describing the desires of god and explaining how to utilize those desires to spend an eternity with him in heaven; the problem is, he refuses to just tell it like it is. He insists on using confusing parables that make no sense, setting most of his would-be believers up for failure. After being asked by the prophets why he speaks in such confusing parables, Jesus responds,

Because it has been given to you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been given. For whoever has, to him more will be given, and he will have abundance; but whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him. Therefore, I speak in parables, because seeing they do not see, and hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand.” Matthew 13:11-13

When I read passages like this, it only further concretes my belief that religion was made up by man as a means to control the population. It is so blatant in this passage (there is also a similar one in the book of Mark) that in order to fully know and understand these teachings, one must never doubt, or look too deep into it. One must simply take the lesson at face value and interpret it as Jesus wants you to, not as you actually do. Because, in actually interpreting stories on your own, you are bound to interpret incorrectly and maybe, just maybe, you may begin to doubt the validity or the importance of the lesson. So, the less you think about it, the better off you (and the)y are. It’s genius if it actually works, and sadly, it does.


Another reason I believe Jesus is a prick is because he has a horrible temper. Take the infamous story of the fig tree for example:

Now the next day, when they had come out from Bethany, He was hungry. And seeing from afar a fig tree having leaves, He went to see if perhaps He would find something on it. When He came to it, He found nothing but leaves, for it was not the season for figs. In response Jesus said to it, ‘Let no one eat fruit from you ever again.’ And His disciples heard it.” Mark 11:12-14

He knew there would be no fruit on it because “it was not the season for figs” and yet he still got pissed at it for not feeding him in his time of hunger. To give him the benefit of the doubt, I have said and done some pretty mean things out of hunger, too. But, this man is supposed to be the savior! The healer! The prince of peace and love! He can’t have normal human instincts… and if he does, he certainly can’t let them get the better of him! Which brings me to my next point: If Jesus was real, and that’s a HUGE if,  how can we hold him on such a high pedestal? He is just like us! What makes him so different and so special? He is no god; sure he did some lame tricks turning water into wine and walking on water but, wouldn’t a real god simply create a fig on that tree to then pick and eat? Or summon a nice turkey dinner to appear on his table? How can we be so faithful to a god so human when humans are constantly failing us? Wouldn’t this then imply that either, A. This god would end up failing us as well, or B. That perhaps a god so human is that way because he was created by humans and is therefore whatever we want him to be? The Hindus certainly would never stoop so low; their gods are constantly doing far more miraculous, god-like things on a daily basis and would never submit themselves to petty hunger or any other human feeling for that matter. Hindus have textbook examples of gods. Why didn’t the creators of the Christian god/Jesus get together with the creators of the Hindu gods and exchange game plans?

But, I guess that’s the point of Christianity, isn’t it? That god sent his only son to us, made him as human as possible so that we could relate and see our children in him, just to then sacrifice him for us, even though we never asked him to, so that we may live in guilt of it forever. Therefore, god is also a prick. Like father, like son.


  1. Just a nit pic, WTF is the savior hungry for? Man-gods get hungry? Why not just blink like genie and make some figs grow? Ooops, no miracles for you today, curse you tree! I don’t think these guys that wrote the Christian bible thought stuff through very well.

  2. Love this.

    I’m kicking around an idea that Jesus was actually Lucifer claiming to be the son of god — after god sentenced him to a life on earth and a torturous death. Not sure what do with it yet.

    1. Hey that’s a,good theory! Makes a lot of sense but still have to ask if God is omnipotent and knows all an all that will be then why create lucifer in the first place if God knew what would go down? It’s all so very confusing lol

  3. Another fantastic post! Seriously, can’t stop laughing. I need to print them all out and have them handily in my pocket for next time a Christian comes a-calling.

  4. I think there are going to be more and more like “us”. I have always said Jesus is a prick who got himself executed. Christianity is ridiculous. An insecure “god” NEEDS to be obeyed by a woman and when she eats an apple, he is so pissed off he actually doesn’t even punish her, he is said to punish every single next descendant of the species FOREVER. Oh, and then at a later date, he arbitrarily makes up some other ridiculous rule. “Oh, I’ll send my son down and brutally kill him, and then, hmm what next, oh yeah, I’ll have him get brutally killed and then, yeah, then all of your sins will be forgiven. Oh wait, no, you are still born with “mortal sin” because of that fucking apple (that bitch disobeyed me, they gotta pay) well until you fuckers pour some piss water on your head you will be damned for ever.

    All of this because of an apple??? Seriously

    And then the “father” of christianity, Abraham claims he heard a voice that promised him LAND OWNERSHIP, oh, and they were the “chosen people” WTF is that? “Chosen people” inherently has “UN chosen people” How fucked up is that?? And he killed his own people for worshiping a gold calf, woman and children included, and HE IS REWARDED with LAND OWNERSHIP. Yet that bitch who ate the apple causes the eternal punishment.

    They both sound like fucking assholes.
    I’m curious as to what day did Jesus wake up and decide that “You know what, I am the son of god”. He was just a child like all of us, he grew up like all of us, well supposedly, and yet he didn’t always know this. At what point did he say this to himself? Today he would be locked up.

    Thank you for posting such an article.

  5. I don’t believe in or follow no biblle! To me, it’s just another fucking religious book and 1 don’t go to no garbage church either!! I’m about as non-christian as they come!!

  6. I think you’re all nuts…. taking it all out of context and missing the nuances. But you’re entitled to your opinion.

    I think Jesus made it pretty clear that we were to love one another and God.

    1. I always like to ask christians, “How many times do you think Jesus jerked off?” And of course they say “none”. Then I ask what about during his teen years, if he actually existed, everyone believes he went missing from 12 to 30. Then I ask “are you sure you believe he didn’t even jerk off once?. And when he did, who did he think of? What did he think of? What sounds did he make when ejaculating? What is his cum face?” This always fucking gets their goat. And I guess then they can go sacrifice said goat.

  7. A life changing quote by the rock star himself. Thank you for that necessary reminder of what our big dimented boss is actually made of.

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